So many things go through my mind as I work. As I was scrubbing in a dark area that was hard to see, I was thinking about the fears I had as a child. I can remember having to quote the 23rd Psalm when I fed the animals at 5:00am. My sisters and I would take turns a week on, a week off. I can remember how dark it was in the depths of winter with no outside lights except for the one at the barn. The shadows from the trees would move on the white snow as the ticking/clacking sound of the branches rubbing together in the wind frightened my imaginations. I would be strong, the victor in the visionary fight with the invader who just might be lurking in the barn or just beyond my ability to see. Quoting those verses, sometimes aloud, gave me courage that I did not have myself.
The hole in the kitchen floor that had a grated opening leading to the heat duct always had creatures that could just be waiting for me to walk by and be their next meal. I was never afraid of spiders or concrete things, but the fears in my imagination would sometimes paralyze me.
My sister Heather had a fear that rubbed off on me. She had a short guy in her head that lurked everywhere, especially in the bushes. His name was “Jack jack.’ She would get this weird look on her face and say “Jack jack jack jack…” just her fears and her face would get me worried and I would look around, senses on the alert, heart beating out of my chest looking for “Jack.”
Play tryouts always turned out awful in my mind, in that box also went fears of singing, and trying out for anything in which there were eliminations. My mind convinced me I would be the one eliminated. Do you know most of the time, that’s exactly what happened. In retrospect, there were times I just took myself out of the game, eliminating myself from the competition so I would at least control the outcome.
The difference in overcoming the fear of the dark vs. the succumbing to the fear of performing was that to overcome the unknown, I relied on God’s strength. To succumb to the fear of being eliminated, I relied on myself.
In this stage in my life, I seem to look back as much as forward. What could have been if I would have just tried? If I would have 100% trusted in God and gone forward. A myriad of options would have been open to me. My mind expands with the possibilities. Then abruptly I think, I know that I know, everything is for a purpose, who I am, what I have become, is the result of the parts that became the whole me. The whole package of me. And I accept that.
(Psalm 27: 1-3) 1God is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear. He is the strength of my life. Of whom shall I be afraid? 2 When evildoers came at me to eat up my flesh, even my adversaries and my foes, they stumbled and fell. 3 Though an army should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear. Though war should rise against me, even then I will be confident.