We received the sad news last week that a young couple that we know was losing their baby. My heart is breaking for what I know she is going through. First is the sinking feeling deep in your very essence that knows that something is very wrong. Your mind holds on to the hope that maybe just maybe you were mistaken. So you wait. Your body knows what to do as your mind struggles to accept the truth that you cannot hide any longer. There is no more running, the business of physiology takes over. In your mind, you hold an image that will never be, a plan that will never be built. Your body is out of your control and your mind grieves. Your brain is screaming, “No, NO, NO, Please no.” Physical pain and emotional pain merge into one. You feel so alone. Nothing seems real.
When it is over, the overwhelming emptiness and loss threaten to overwhelm you and you retreat into a cocoon. God holds you as healing of your mind and body commence. Everything seems unimportant, lights dim and days flow one into another. Grief has its own time and schedule. I know
Megan, I am weeping with you. God allowed me to experience the same so I can weep with you in understanding. As I write this, my eyes are burning and my throat is clogged with tears. Know that God will heal if you let him. Letting go of a dream of a child never happens. The vision stays with you as you go through life. You will always be a mom to that little one. You will feel the absence even if no one else does.
People will say things like, ”maybe it was for the best, maybe something was wrong with it, God knows best…” Most people will have no idea what you are feeling and politely you will reply, “I know.” Inside you will be screaming, “stop talking.” And outwardly you will trust God.
Inwardly you will have a discourse that will go something like: “But God, I loved my baby so much. I don’t understand. Oh, God, I can’t do this, Help me Jesus.” God will be silent. You will feel His arms around you, but He will not answer. So, in faith, you allow yourself to be crushed and remade. And in time, you will emerge, different and closer to the One who gives Life and takes it away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Romans 12:15 “Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.”