Excluded Again

My whole life I have felt it. Not sure when it began. From the time I was a toddler, my three eldest sisters sang with my Dad. Mom played the bass. I guess 4 parts is all there is most of the time, so I watched. I babysat and I missed playing sports as I travelled with them. Then my younger sister’s voice was just awesome, so a part was found for her.

Dad, Mom and 3 older sisters

I was left in college with the international students over  most of  the holidays since my family always seemed to have a concert and couldn’t pick me up.  If I would find rides, they wouldn’t be home anyway, they would be singing somewhere. I began to not want to go home. I stayed at college through the summers, a very busy concert season. Went to graduate school, found a wonderful family there that took me in.  Needless to say, I am very sensitive to feeling excluded.

Family singing at local courthouse

At Burger King with my college friends

 

 I married a local who had a daughter that moved us back to our hometown. Fast forward 20 years, Thanksgiving just happened. I spent the day with my husband, children and my mother-in-law. Three of my sisters had a meal together. My other sister hosted my parents. Unless I plan the party for my family, I am usually forgotten, like an orphan. Anyway, that’s how I feel since it is a very sore spot. This Thanksgiving, I felt like an orphan, again.  Year after year of this, you would think I would be used to it by now, but the pain is always fresh. I used to joke I was adopted, or something, and no one laughed.

Square peg in round hole

It’s amazing how an old hurt can take over. The reasons we are not invited probably include our family size. No one will say it, but it’s true. I guess we just don’t fit literally but also figuratively. I never seem to do anything right, first, can’t sing then, second, let God decide the size of our family.  Thank God for my mother-in-law. She always welcomes us, all of us.  I am like a square peg in a round hole in my family.

My 86 year old mother in law.

God broke my heart by making me feel abandoned and forgotten my whole life. Do you know that He completely turned that heartbreak into something good? All I have to do is look at the children of my heart: Ian, Faith and Mazie.

The children of my heart came from a yearning to change that lonesome feeling for someone. I so wanted for no one to EVER feel the way I felt. The children of my heart and the children of my flesh fill the house and fill the hole in me. I hope that we fill the hole in them, mutual needs met…almost. Feeling lately that there may be more…

But as for you, ye thought evil against me, but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive. Genesis 50:20. This is what Joseph said to his brothers after he forgave them.

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5 comments on “Excluded Again

  1. I’ve read this 3 times and every time I want to cry, feeling your pain. Blame your parents for being so insensitive. I am grateful for having a large family that rarely excludes me from events and a large extended family that I can also rely on.

  2. I really appreciate the way that you “put yourself out there” on your blog. Thank you for doing that and for listening (and responding) to God’s call in your life!

  3. My old boss Robin gave me a link to your blog since we have things in common. We also have 9 wonderful children that God has given us in one way or another. Currently 4 of them are teenage girls and driving us mad but through gods provision we will see the girls through and God will see us through:)

    • Robin asked if it was ok for you to read my blog 🙂 of course it is!! And aren’t teenagers hard? wow, they are so hard to figure out sometimes. My girls are all 10 and under yet, but I have 4 teenaged boys! thanks for reading my blog, and feel free to comment anytime.

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