My whole life I have felt it. Not sure when it began. From the time I was a toddler, my three eldest sisters sang with my Dad. Mom played the bass. I guess 4 parts is all there is most of the time, so I watched. I babysat and I missed playing sports as I travelled with them. Then my younger sister’s voice was just awesome, so a part was found for her.
I was left in college with the international students over most of the holidays since my family always seemed to have a concert and couldn’t pick me up. If I would find rides, they wouldn’t be home anyway, they would be singing somewhere. I began to not want to go home. I stayed at college through the summers, a very busy concert season. Went to graduate school, found a wonderful family there that took me in. Needless to say, I am very sensitive to feeling excluded.
I married a local who had a daughter that moved us back to our hometown. Fast forward 20 years, Thanksgiving just happened. I spent the day with my husband, children and my mother-in-law. Three of my sisters had a meal together. My other sister hosted my parents. Unless I plan the party for my family, I am usually forgotten, like an orphan. Anyway, that’s how I feel since it is a very sore spot. This Thanksgiving, I felt like an orphan, again. Year after year of this, you would think I would be used to it by now, but the pain is always fresh. I used to joke I was adopted, or something, and no one laughed.
It’s amazing how an old hurt can take over. The reasons we are not invited probably include our family size. No one will say it, but it’s true. I guess we just don’t fit literally but also figuratively. I never seem to do anything right, first, can’t sing then, second, let God decide the size of our family. Thank God for my mother-in-law. She always welcomes us, all of us. I am like a square peg in a round hole in my family.
God broke my heart by making me feel abandoned and forgotten my whole life. Do you know that He completely turned that heartbreak into something good? All I have to do is look at the children of my heart: Ian, Faith and Mazie.
The children of my heart came from a yearning to change that lonesome feeling for someone. I so wanted for no one to EVER feel the way I felt. The children of my heart and the children of my flesh fill the house and fill the hole in me. I hope that we fill the hole in them, mutual needs met…almost. Feeling lately that there may be more…