First it started as a small heart cry, a niggling of “Esther look at the need.” My response, “Yes, but there is no way! How can I? I am so stretched already.”
Then STRONGER… “Esther, they need you.” My response, “OK, open the door.” The door gets promptly shut. Is God calling us to adopt again? past blog I get a peek into what I need to do to prepare for the true call. My heart is turned again to adoption. I wait for another sign.
God and I meanwhile are having this conversation. “God, we’re broke. Adoptions cost money. Raising children costs money.” His reply, “but Esther…” And I tell Him, “We’re willing, but we’re broke.” And behind it all is this knowing I can trust Him, but I’m scared.
We get further and further into a financial hole. I break down and for the first time in my life, I apply for LIHEAP and food stamps. My garden bombed this year. Meanwhile, God is not silent, my spirit grows increasingly restless. We get a shut off notice from the electric company. God provides that need.
An automatic deposit is late, sending us into overdrawn status at the bank. We freeze our accounts while we figure it out. My chin hits the floor, and I sob in defeat. The mail comes in for the day; once again, God provided a gift card so I could buy the diapers I needed. I was planning to go to the attic after I opened the mail to retrieve my cloth diapers.
Now God begins to talk in a voice I cannot avoid. “Now, Now, Now…See my provision? “ I look back and see his faithfulness. Not only today and in the recent past, but in every adoption we pursued. OK, I get the point, obedience…provision. I agree Now. I make some phone calls. Ray comes home. He is skeptical, but willing. Sunday comes, an anonymous gift…enough to begin, adoption. Somewhere, someone will need us.
God show us.
First step, life insurance, second step, clearances and application, third…
Each step will only be delayed as provision comes. God is in control, I must obey.
“…But his word was in mine heart as a burning fire, shut up in my bones, and I was weary with forbearing, and I could not refrain.” Jeremiah 20:9