Hemmed In

 Borders with no Walls.

It seems no matter what I write about my life that is personal, there is an immediate negative reaction. Even if there are no names mentioned, if the circumstances sound as if I was speaking or referring to them, they react and call, scream, write or something. I guess writers should expect that, but honestly, I think that is why I need to write. I can’t express my thoughts verbally without saying the wrong thing. When I write, I weigh my words carefully to reflect my feelings and express my thoughts.

Everything I say, everything I write has to pass some unwritten code. The rules are arbitrary, made up as time ticks along. My angry family and my frustrated self makes me wonder if this exercise is worth the aggravation. I am so tired of feeling guilty about what I feel and what happens in the family. I am supposed to pretend everything is OK, to smile for the camera and talk sweetly on the phone about everything, masking the truth. But what purpose is it then? For what purpose do we go through trials in life, good and bad relationships and struggles if we are to remain silent and stoic? Are we not to share so others can pray for us? Are we not to share so others can learn from our mistakes? Are we not to share so others can help us and give us advice?

There has to be a balance between saying too much and not saying enough. I guess everyone thinks I haven’t found it yet….BALANCE. The very word makes me think of a gymnast teetering on a balance beam.  Somewhere is balance, maybe I need to talk to my loving Heavenly Father more…who is SILENT…but someone with skin on helps too…God why am I always blamed for everything, am I that wrong about everything? Can I do nothing right? Ok, I guess I am having a pity party now, so I will exercise balance and be quiet 🙂

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