Transparency, it makes us all feel awkward. It is easier to say, “I’m fine” when people ask. The grieving goes on behind the scenes. It is not 100 percent of my day, not nearly. When thoughts push forward, I push them back and do the next thing. That’s what I was taught to do. It works. Wallowing in grief is not a place to stay, but it is a place to acknowledge exists for those of us who have experienced great loss.
The one thing I have noticed about grief is that the more things that occur that result in grief doesn’t make it easier with each grief, it compounds. It doesn’t make it easier because you have walked the road before. It is one thought becomes two, becomes three. When your load is heavy, one thought at a time must be reexamined and kept or thrown away.
Thinking of the stories of David, Job, Hannah, Sarah, and on and on shows the truth of it. They continued their journey with God, but at times they were paralyzed with sadness. Job just sat in the dirt and thought things through. He had the most loss of all, all his possessions, all his children, his wife, his health. And he was not busy building a new business while he was taking the time to think about God and His character. David moved on, after his baby died, but had moments of deep grief later off and on through his life. Hannah, when she was barren, cried in the temple every year. Sarah, had given up and did not believe that God would bless her.
I thank God for my blessings, but it is not a balance scale. If it were, my blessings overwhelm my losses. God has been good, but grief is a process. Enoch would have been four this year and my sweet little one I lost last June would have been eight months old right now. The other three would have been various ages. God is faithful, but questions are healthy too. I do not believe without deep thought and evaluation. My knowing that God exists and that for some reason He allowed my life to be my life doesn’t waiver.
“Thus says the Lord, A voice was heard in Ramah, lamentation and bitter weeping; Rachel weeping for her children, refused to be comforted for her children, because they were not. Thus says the Lord, restrain thy voice from weeping, and thine eyes from tears; for thy work shall be rewarded, saith the Lord, and they shall come again from the land of the enemy. And there is hope in thine end, saith the Lord, that thy children shall come again to thine own border.” Jeremiah 31:15-17.