I know I haven’t blogged in a while. There is a very good reason for that. I am going through another grief stage. “I believe, Lord help my unbelief” Mark 9:24. I guess it is hard for me to write the wrestling that goes on inside a lot of times. Why was I chosen to lose so many. Why do I remember and no one else does. They can go about their lives as if nothing happened. May 26th came and went, June 16th came and went. I cried for losses, no one else even gave it a thought. I went about my days, or stumbled through them. Laundry, dishes, cleaning, garden, holding, tucking in, potty training… In the recesses of my mind was loss.
My thoughts scrambled between the : “I don’t get it at all. I am faithful, I love you God. You love to give us blessings. I feel like I am always chosen to be kicked in the teeth. You give and take away. Why do you always seem to take? What is your plan to have me ground into such fine sand that I can’t even get up.” And every month goes by and another blessing doesn’t happen. Pursuit of adoption is happening, but delays have caused it to go in fits and starts. My heart is not always in the present. I am longing for what I can’t have. My children half here, half in the grave, why oh why.
I know I am one of many. Many women do not vocalize what is going on behind the masks in their life. It is too painful. There are no answers. God holds us, yes, but is usually silent. All I know is when I am tried I am found faithful. He is faithful in his presence. But, part of me feels the betrayal of withdrawing of blessings. The preachers preach about “prosperity” If you do thus and so, thus and so will be your reward. Some of the preachers haven’t read the whole Bible. Sarah, I am sure, would have loved more children than her son Isaac. Paul would have not liked to be whipped and imprisoned. Moses would have loved to have a nice home all his life instead of wandering in the desert with all those grumbling people. It is not about cause: effect. Obedience: reward. It is about: I need him, without God, there is nothing. He created us to glorify him. He was glorified in suffering, not in abundance. Suffering doesn’t mean God doesn’t love us, but it sure feels that way. The truth: a lie. The lie is “here is all you wanted, behind this curtain through a maze impassable.” The truth is :” here is all you wanted, right in front of you all the time, hold my hand through this maze of life, don’t let go, trust me.”
The trust is hard. Does God really know what He is doing? I am shattered a million times over, the pieces don’t fit . The vessel seems like it no longer will hold water. Somehow he uses me. I am weak, He is strong. I’m holding…where is your hand Jesus?