Unrequited Love

Unrequited love

Have you ever had a one sided crush or love? I think we all have; laughing too loud, flirting too much, engaging them in any possible conversation; basically, doing anything for a light to glow in their eye.  The target will look a moment, then look away, never fully attracted to the girl, something holding them back.

Sometimes I feel like that with my son. One of our sons had the unfortunate experience of spending a year and a half in foster care. In care, he was not loved, he was left in his crib to cry, at least for almost one of those years. There is no doubt about it. The foster family was investigated by CYS and found to be guilty. The result of this thoughtless action was that my son felt deep inside him in a place he cannot explain, unworthy of love, inadequate in the most basic sense. He was also malnourished. Explain that to me will you? A child that had five homes before coming to stay with us. How does that effect a child who has known love since he was 18 months old, but little to none prior to that?

Attachment Disorder is the fancy name. My name is one sided love. Momma loves and the son questions deep inside…when will it stop? Can I trust it? I must depend only on myself, I am an island. And he turns around and Momma loves and he says maybe if I am very bad, maybe if I put up this wall she can’t reach me. And then, Momma loves and inside she hurts for her son who was a baby and never received comfort when he was alone, clean diapers when he was wet, food when he was hungry and ignored when he was scared.

When does it end I ask? When will his eyes light up FOREVER when he talks to me and not just for a brief moment. He loves Daddy, but Momma…you never know about the Momma…she’s the one who is there but doesn’t come

.The Broken Room
with permission from
the author

As she sits ever so quietly in the corner of the broken room…

When she catches a glimpse of the moonlight forming a warm glow around his
sleeping face…
she cries.

As she reaches out her hand unable to resist the urge to run her fingers
through the dark curls…
she smiles.

When the simple touch of her hand causes him to flinch and pull
she cries.

As she quietly moves herself back to the corner of the broken room,
sits ever so quietly…
watching him…
loving him…
and reminding
herself that tomorrow is another day.
Then she smiles.

Copyright © 2002 Suzanne Constant


4 comments on “Unrequited Love

  1. Oh I feel your pain! My daughter whom we adopted 4 1/2 years ago does show love and affection, but she takes out her hidden anger and bitterness on me…not on Daddy, not on brothers, not on grandparents or others on me. She used to push my affection away, but she doesn’t anymore! But the hurts are still there and surface at times. Here are some things I’ve written on my blogs:
    Hang in there! Keep on loving…

    • We adopted him now over 10 years ago at first it was hard then a lttle easier, but now that he is a teenager things have resurfaced, just as the books tell you it usually does. I wish I could take the hurt away, but I can’t.

  2. Wow! 10 years! I keep thinking and wondering what puberty is going to be like with our daughter. Sometimes I’m a little scared by the thought. I have three sons who are all now in college, and they are wonderful guys, yet the teenage years had some trials. That just comes with the territory of raising teens. But knowing that and knowing that puberty compounds other issues makes me pray all the more that I will be ready to deal with the emotional roller coaster that our daughter may be on during those years. Like you said, you can’t take that hurt away no matter how much you want to…no matter how much love you give. But the good news is….God can take his hurt away. God loves our children more than we do. He carries their hearts. He knew them before they were born. He knew what was going to happen to them. He placed them in our families. His Word says that he places the lonely in families.

    I had often thought that when our kids grown up and leave home that we have to pray for them less, but now that my boys are in college and dating/marrying/having children I find myself on my knees for them even more! The boo boos are bigger and Mommy can’t bandage them anymore. Mommy can’t kiss it and make it all better. Oh for the days when a bandage and a kiss did the trick! Hang in there!

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