The relief of no longer being in the hospital, no longer having my mind super focused on one little 24 inch fellow; results in an overload of emotions that were kept at bay during the crisis. I can cry at any moment, my emotions are fluxuating between overwhelming fear, elation, sadness, exhaustion, and frustration.
When I sleep, I chase dragons. Literally. I have these dreams of terrible unrealistic things happening to our children. Most of the time, I am there to rescue them too late. Last night, I could not get to sleep. I had paralyzing fear. It was not a specific fear, just fear of the blob of unknown. My heart was racing, my breath was coming quickly, my mind couldn’t focus and I felt panic. My logical self was saying: “you know this is just a reaction to what you went through. There is no basis in reality for these thoughts.” But emotions don’t usually follow random logic, but they do follow focused thoughts so….I knew just what to do:
“Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Thee: because he trusts in Thee. Trust in the Lord forever, for in the Lord JEHOVAH is everlasting strength.” Isaiah 26:3-4. “I will both lay me down in peace and sleep: for thou. Lord, only makes me dwell in safety.” Psalm 4:8. “Be anxious for nothing: but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report: if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” Philippians 4:6-8. “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm 73:26
I always have a choice: let the terrors of night take over and paralyze me OR reflect and meditate on truth. Truth is the weapon for fear. First I train my mind so my emotions have nothing to feed on and they must follow. There is no room for thoughts of strength and love and calmness AND fear…something gives. Whatever you feed wins. Discipline, truth, meditation…clarity. In the morning, all confusion fades and truth remains. Yes, Eli is sick. Yes, all those things COULD happen. Yes there is so much to do and I am overwhelmed. But
…“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Matthew 6: 34.