Benjamin listens to his most favorite Christmas automatic snow globe… “He knows when you are sleeping, He knows when you’re awake..” It is plastic and cracked, but the snow still flies and if you shake it, the music starts.
It is damaged, but it functions. That is a bit how I feel this morning. All the work of refunding the paypal donations is complete. There is nothing more pressing to “do” and here I am lying on my side as tears course down my cheeks. Eli is having his morning nap so I have this moment.
She might have come early, so I had gone through some beautiful clothes trying to decide what April weather would bring. They are in a bag now, their frilly preciousness hidden. The vision of her in my arms is still strong, and the loss I feel is great. My heart was so ready for her to enter that empty space made just for her.
Those who have experienced stillbirth or miscarriage wonder if it is the same. I have had all of them: stillbirth, miscarriages and this so called “paper loss.” But, she was not on paper, she was in my heart, I was carrying her there.
I do admit, that when you have a miscarriage or stillbirth the constant physical reminders…blood and tissue loss, physical pain, exhaustion and the feeling of “empty” is different. But my arms are empty and that special spot for her in my heart is “empty.”
I know when the craters in life open, you have two choices: let the hole be filled with being busy…or just rest and let God begin the healing.
The healing is not fast, it comes in trickles. Pray for me as the trickles of God’s precious rain fill the crater blasted in me over the past few days…
cracked but functional. And if you shake me, maybe some music will play…