The Days I Cry

The days I cry

Hope and reality struggle. Meat coolers that are stainless steel and shine like chrome…running, eyes two inches from the shine…to make a special sparkle that only he can see. A giggle, around and around he runs; what he sees, no one knows.

March April 2013 001

Unfortunately, I cannot stand beside the meat cooler and finish my shopping. So a drag, a pull holding him onto his feet/kindof, since he has collapsed into a boneless jellyfish…and the cries that make everyone look.

I have tried hiding and keeping him away. But what does that teach him? What does that teach you? He is one of many, and we struggle and hope and try, not to be “normal” but to be functional. To do the things that everyone does, shop, go to the post office, drive in a car, go to a restaurant.  Functional is the goal and some days it seems so far away.

March April 2013 023

Fired the TSS/BSC therapists a few months ago, needed to expand his world not keep him in a shell. That was not stretching him or growing him. The window of time left for maximum brain development is shrinking. I have decided expansion is my next plan…it will be painful, but how can we know if we don’t try?

March April 2013 031

Read some interesting theories about autism and brain starvation…hmm so now he is on micro-minerals and some vitamin D since it has been a very long winter. I plan on increasing the healthy fats that he eats to very high levels. But have not done the increase in fats, only the micro-minerals and the vitamin D and his behavior was even more reactionary for a time: good, that means it was doing something. I was not blogging, I was managing, barely, to keep him safe, together and unchallenged. But now… his vocabulary and communication have improved!!  In an obvious way, but now we have a lot more activity where he seeks visual stimulation.

March April 2013 043

Hoping for a new baseline soon, so we can see where we are and what we can change…next fats, and always hope for potty training; he is four and I hope we will get there….Hope as he runs around and around the electric fence surrounding our yard…eyes fixed, seeing a different place, a different world…and I hope..and cry for what I hope, because hope is all it is…


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