Tears while watching


The most dreaded thing. It happens to Benjamin every winter…we are not sure why, but it makes a momma pray for spring.

Everything is overwhelming to him.

Smearing is occurring again. ( those who are just beginning to read about the family, Benjamin is autistic and smears…) And dog gone it he was trained!! He had almost no accidents except occasionally overnight.

The shower runs, he sits with a bucket full of rags under the spray and he spins the rags continuously in a circle. Around, around around around around…I tell him it is time to get out and he cries and screams at me, “no, no no no no…”


Last week we had a lot of snow and I sent the kids out to play. He could not stand the feel of snow stuck to his gloves, so he took them off…we fought to put them back on, exchanging them for a fresh pair. He at least left his coat on, but NO hat, ever. Never ever a hat…

He played in his own zone for a while then I began to sob as I saw him struggle to the fence, snow up over his boots, to his thighs…his eyes on the line of the fence…and he began again to run the fence…Eyes fixed on the fence, face less than four inches from the line…going as fast as he could struggling in the high snow and he could not stop trying

..and I could not stop crying. Dog gone it, a momma is supposed to be able to fix things…

“oh my son, I love you…I am so sorry…God help him.” I could not take it long before I brought him in, and he went into the shower.


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