I must admit, I am conflicted. I have seen it many times, women, pregnant with their boyfriend’s baby. The father would either step up to the plate or walk. The woman, being the womb man 😀 had the privilege of deciding the fate of the child they created. And the father really had no say.
I knew a man who cried in the parking lot of an abortion center while his girlfriend terminated her pregnancy…he had no say and no right.
I have seen men lose custody of their children after a divorce, where the woman was sleeping with someone else, initiated the divorce and then was also granted primary custody by the courts only because she was a womb man and he was left empty. Fortunately, men have more rights now than they did twenty years ago in custody cases.
Some state laws try their best to protect the rights of birth fathers. I live in PA and that is a state that termination of rights can be a very long deal with an unknown birth father. Listing in the papers of anywhere he could possibly be, registered mail to a known address… time for appeals. In the case of fraud, all bets are off. As adoptive parents, we have a love/hate relationship with state laws that extend the termination of parental rights period.
But in some states, it is much different, and the birthfather has really no rights at all even if she has lied.
But if the mom has the right to terminate the baby alone, then she should have the right to choose what happens to it alone…or not?
Then, I had a son, two sons, three, four, five, six, seven sons…the chance of one of my sons ever being in the position of having no rights to their child changed me.
A father, if he has the right to pay child support, should he not have the right to love his baby if he so chooses? Does he not have the capacity to parent alone if needed? When does a “father” become a “father”?
Only when the birth mother says he does.
This seems like the beginning of changes to the laws of “easy” adoption states. I am not sure what the solution is. I feel for Chris in this story and the other men who were lied to … that could be my son some day…or your son.
So what in the world is the answer? I don’t think ripping a child out of their home when they are four years old is the answer, is it?
What is right?
I cannot imagine being the adoptive family of any of these children, but it could be any of us adoptive parents, couldn’t it? Isn’t that the worst fear of an adoptive parent? And we would never know there was a problem until we get a call. We need to examine ourselves and see what needs done to protect the birthparents, both of them, the adoptive parents, and most especially the child.
Lawyers, agencies and facilitators and matching agencies are the first line of defense for the children. Please, please examine your policies before the legislators decide them for you. It will happen, only so many of these cases can happen before everything is thrown into the fan and it is all restructured. Restructuring always means more laws, more costs, and much more time for waiting parents and children. Please lets keep adoption easy and safe. It starts with us.
“Man fights for custody of secretly adopted child
Ex-girlfriend told him baby had died; was actually adopted in Utah
Four years ago, Chris Carlton’s girlfriend left their hometown of Williamsport, Penn., seven months pregnant with his baby. She later told him the baby died. Now Carlton has discovered the baby had actually been put up for adoption in Utah, and he is fighting to get his daughter back. At issue is the constitutionality of the Utah law that says fraudulent representation doesn’t give a parent the right of custody. He and 12 other fathers are suing the Utah attorney general’s office over the law”