He Speaks in Riddles and Rhymes

He speaks in Riddles and Rhymes

Figuring him out takes So much Time

Trying to decide if he’s hurt or OK

He speaks in Riddles and Rhymes

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The dreams come to most of us with special needs children. It is 4:46 am and I have just completed my second bad dream…The first one was scary, Ben had done something unintentional, in the dream, and really hurt one of his little brothers. Could it happen, “yes.” So I could not just brush it off and go back to sleep. The scenario was simple so I spent some time figuring out how I could prevent this tragedy that I had not even thought of until now.

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Finally, I felt ready to go back to sleep when another dream began…I woke up and that poem kept running through my head. Where it came from? I don’t know. I never heard it before as far as I know, but I am not sure if it is something I wrote or something I read, so I will leave it as it looks, with no authorship.

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My son is breaking my heart. He talks … a lot…but says little of discernable value, at least to me. Yesterday he melted down all day…all day he cried. Did he hurt? I don’t think so, he could not tell me anything other than “six fire trucks” and “three yellow balloons.” He said them over and over again. I wish I understood. I wanted to understand and even more, he wanted to tell me…but all that came out was “six fire trucks” and “three yellow balloons.”

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Inside his brain, he was looping. So after my second dream, I do what most moms of special kids do in their spare time…ask the questions that might hold the key…

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“what did he eat?”

“what stressed him?”

“where was he going when he was trying to elope?”

“what does six fire trucks and three yellow balloons mean?”

Benjamin and Eli

Benjamin and Eli

And all I can come up with is…did he have MSG? I buy special hot dogs for Benjamin and the kids wanted hotdogs so I bought a pack for them too…did the brands get mixed up? And my answer is I have no idea since the older kids make their own hotdogs in the microwave when they want them.

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And I pause in writing to hold and rock Josiah, he needed me and was comforted; something I could do when surrounded by a day and night of things I cannot do.

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And again, I pray to the God who sees, who made Benjamin, Amanda, Caleb, Levi, Micah, Ian, Shyloh, Faith, Mazie, Eli and Josiah…The God who has the key, for insight, for clarity, for continued hope and courage to face the day ready to learn and ready to fight for my children.

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Following a day or three or five of feeling like a failure, because somehow, as mom’s we feel so responsible, even for the things we cannot change. Trying to figure out how we can change them; to bend the projected path to a more favorable one…after all there has to be a way to determine the BEST outcome, not the second best…the BEST

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Because we are moms…And that is just what we do.

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