A Day Happened When you know Your Life Has Changed

Just needed to write. A day happened when you know your life has changed…. he trembled all over and would not stop. He had no fever. He knew there was something wrong for weeks and no one would listen. We went to critical care where they gave him antibiotics. We went to the primary care doctor that gave him an inhaler. His primary doctor, what a joke; no one would give him a doctor appointment for three weeks so he went to see a resident.. it was “the best they could do”…

Here we sit… His heart rate is 125, normal for him is in the 50’s. His scans are beginning to come back. Kidney function is compromised, there is something murky in his lungs. .. Too soon to know what it is. It may be pneumonia or something else.

At the shock stage… abdominal ct scan shows swollen nodules in the back, along with the nodules in the lungs, this may be the C word… I am trying to hang tough. Ray is anemic so not processing well… this could be bad. This could be very bad.

I am trying not to cry, but my nose is dripping.

Ray seemed more alert after three bags of fluid and half of his transfusion. His blood pressure is a bit improved, but his heart rate is still 126. He says he is having trouble breathing. I told him what the scans said and he cried. .. we can do this..

Whatever this is.

Got home and had a small meltdown in the bathroom… actually I ran there when I felt like I was going to cry too much in front of the littles. A few hours have passed… I have hope that somehow this is staph or some other infection, but that is not good either…but it is a possibility too.  Neither one is great, but we know it is SOMETHING.

Called Larry. Larry is Ray’s thick and thin friend. They have seen way too little of each other  lately, but I think he needs him now. Larry said he would be there for him; after fighting off leukemia two times and now in remission, he can be a great sounding board for Ray.

Right now I am speaking to the kids in a half an hour, I honestly don’t know what I will say. But always the truth.

March 27, from my journal



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