God uses everything

Ran into a friend who works in the OR when Ray went down for his bronchoscopy. I cried again darn it. It is so much easier pretending when you don’t know anyone. They just took him back …

Last night was rough. I asked God why I felt like I was in mourning…other things have happened and in the process I have never felt this devastated… I asked Him, WHY? My spirit knows…it is to prepare me. I can’t tell Ray, not yet. But my spirit knows, the Holy Spirit confirmed to me that it is very bad. And I need time to prepare.

I asked God to reconsider, please give me more time. Not because I deserve it, but I am just not ready…and the kids need their Daddy… I pleaded all night for God to change the course and be merciful. I laid there listening to music and tears just ran down my face… I am not ready.

But regardless, I am hanging on, and I am trusting it will be used for good…God uses everything…but I am so tired of having to show strength. I suck at it. I am a puddle. Praying… part of me thinks Ray knows too but neither of us are saying a word…the eyes tell the story.

The other thing is he just does not want to come home yet…my man who hates to sit still and hates to even visit a hospital does not want to come home. He has been here four days…

March 30 from my journal

Esther

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