One thing about grief…it is messy, hot and can be ugly. The children are adjusting but not in a good way. Josiah is pinching and hitting, Eli is screaming and so is Mazie, Benjamin is reciting his ABC’s, Faith is more removed than normal, Shyloh is very solemn, Ian is upset with me because I go in and out of crying and it is driving him nuts. Micah wants to fix everything. Levi is just more bossy, if that is possible. We have not yet seen Caleb, he is not ready. Amanda is not here either, she is older with a life of her own that is busy.
As for me? I got nothin’ a lump in my throat, burning eyes, and insomnia. Ray spoke to me about if he does not make it;” Do what you think is best, do what you need to “, he says. “sell everything if you want. Dont’ do anything because you think I would want it or do it my way… do what is best for you and the kids.” It was a blessing of sorts… it was hard for him to say, and oh so hard for me to hear. How does one go one alone? How?
The anchor holds, though the ship is battered…
I have to “keep the faith”
March 28 from my journal