Up now for a few hours, cannot sleep. Mind is thinking about all of the legal things we need to do to get everything in order dependent on Ray’s diagnosis…and I am NOT ok thinking about the future. Even thinking of right now is hard. All of the weight of the business now is on my shoulders. Ray cannot handle the stress of thinking bout the business/money end of everything. God help me not to forget anything important. God please heal him from his head to his toe. Thank you so much for letting him know in a way he understood that you are present with him. Last night, he told me he felt a chill…but kind of like a breeze…go from his head to his feet…then it stopped. Ray said, ” I know you are here.” Then it gently moved back up his body. Tears dripped when he talked, from both of us.
Let your light shine in us. Tomorrow will be a hard day for him, please give him all of the calmness and pain relief so that he can more than endure it…that he would feel nothing. That his bleeding would stop and there would be no negative repercussions from the biopsies themselves. Protect his breathing, protect his lungs. Dear Jesus, thank you so much for another day with my Ray. I have to trust you, there is no other way to move forward, but to trust…so here I am, needing you to be my strength. I am so weak right now. It is hard being the one watching
Lost my game in solitaire… I asked for a hint on the ap…”no useful moves detected.” …the comment felt like opening a fortune cookie.
March 30 from my journal