The last gasp of March, the entrance of April threw both Ray and I to our knees. Multiple factors combined…his DCEP (dexamethasone , cyclophosphamide, etoposide, and cisplatin) in-patient chemotherapy began the very End of February…Ray came home after a week of infusions and within a few days was readmitted for sepsis, pneumonia, neutropenic fever…basically his lungs were full of fluid and he was showing signs of heart failure…his white blood cell count had reached a low of 0.5 and his platelets also fell to dangerous levels….He was transported back to Pittsburgh the second week of March.
They stabilized him and sent my love home….then his creatinine levels rose dramatically, worried about aggressive growth of his myeloma, they ordered tests to measure …. we are blessed the numbers did not explode, but they did rise instead of fall. Of course that meant…this treatment was not effective.
We had another visit to see the next plan. Duratumumab …another immunotherapy. Right now we have received approval for the immunotherapy, but it is on hold. The oncologist in Johnstown is not confident that My love will not have a severe reaction, the reaction rate is high 48%. The ones who are most prone to reaction are those with lung damage…So, we will be back to Pittsburgh for at least the first infusion. With the change in plans, it has been delayed while insurance approves the change.
Emotionally, we are a wreck, with the end of March beginning of April, we hit the one year anniversary of diagnosis…Ray’s hair came out in clumps. I almost lost him…Trying to get a grip….I had a panic attack during his hospitalization that resulted in me calling the ambulance…I couldn’t breathe, my heart rate was thready and fast and my blood pressure was up, I couldn’t breathe…it woke me from a dead sleep…I thought I was having a heart attack and crawled up the stairs to wake Levi. Bless him, He told me he was there he held my hand, he did not make me feel ashamed when my body began to tremor uncontrollably…He made me so proud. Who could ask for more?
And hope? And faith? and Love? The wind blows, the waves crash, the noise is immense. But God is not in the noise, but in the quiet of my heart. And right now, only He can control the waves and wind and darkness….and he is choosing to let them blow and crash. I have no choice but to hang on…. for one day it will be morning. again.