I remember those days…Times of stability… Times of one day the same as the next… I think those days are gone. It sure is a way to shake you out, shake your junk outside of your mind and expose it for all to see… And during that process, things can be messy. Downright messy.
Fear, the one thing that came out first was fear: I was afraid for the present, afraid for the future, afraid for my children, afraid for Ray but mostly if I were honest …Afraid for ME… Afraid for ME. Nothing altruistic in that, just lots of fear…and not all of it was shown in ways that were loving and kind… I pushed people away that I should not have just because they triggered fear in me… I clung to people not ready for it because I was afraid… and I felt so very isolated. No amount of scripture, no amount of people talking helped… and prayers, I will get to that.
Fear still comes to visit but it doesn’t stay.
Next came anger… I was angry. Angry mostly at God, look at this, I thought you would take care of us. I thought that since we obeyed and did what you asked all of our lives that you would let us live a full and happy life… Man did I buy into that prosperity Gospel. But I didn’t even know it. Underneath all of that anger was FEAR…yea back to that word again.
All I can say is that as time passes and God just waits for me… my temper tantrum and fears are subsiding…and I can see…God is still there, He has always been there and He waits. And he waits. What a patient God.
Now an update on Ray… after his hospitalization in September, he has been stable. The length of his sickness has been very discouraging in itself. He can no longer do the things he once did and is more dependent on others. We had a new calf and, of course, the momma needed milked. All was fine, until it wasn’t … there was a day he could just not milk that cow, no matter how much he wanted to, he just could not have the energy. He has lost height, his appearance has changed to the point that he saw someone he knew very well at a store and they did not recognize him. His PICC line is not working out. His dressings keep breaking down his skin; he keeps getting open sores from them and probably this week it will be either changed to a port or just completely pulled to prevent an infection.
Pray for a great decision about that. He hurts ALL the TIME. All the TIME and that is making him very exhausted.
When he was hospitalized in September and the tire shop is still struggling. Benjamin could not, as usual, get on the bus without a major operation, everything done in order his way…major anxiety about everything to do with school. The girls were just not getting along …I looked around and knew, I can never “go to work” I have to work from home and I need to find something I think I can do…. I signed up to be a consultant for LuLaRoe. It is very time consuming. I love the clothes and if you buy them anyway, think about joining my VIP group. LuLaRoe Brownswissmomma on FB. https://www.facebook.com/groups/BrownswissmommaBoutique/ If not honestly, don’t feel like you need to.
Just trying to figure it all out and working now with the knowledge that things will never be the same again. And just trying to be ok with that.
PRAY FOR US