Still He waits: Canadian Families Only

Baby L

Handsome little one, waiting..

We have written, you have shared, but still he waits:

Oh my heart!! Do you see his eyes? and his wrinkly forehead? His dark, dark eyes…He is alert…waiting and looking for his family.

If this is your family:

Canadian, up to date home study and immediately ready to adopt



Married at least 5 years

Financially Stable

Then this might be your son:

3 months old


with Down syndrome

living in Southwest Ontario

baby 721


 He has a family, it just has not been found… !!

Lets share and help him find it!!

I wish, today, he would be no longer an orphan. It matters if you share, it matters if you care… IT matters to this one.

Please, if you are seriously interested and meet the qualifications for this situation, contact:

Stephanie Thompson from Down Syndrome Adoption Network at



“Starfish poem”

Once upon a time there was a wise man

who used to go to the ocean to do his

writing. He had a habit of walking on the

beach before he began his work.

One day he was walking along the shore.

As he looked down the beach, he saw a

human figure moving like a dancer. He

smiled to himself to think of someone

who would dance to the day.

So he began to walk faster to catch up.

As he got closer, he saw that it was a

young man and the young man wasn’t

dancing, but instead he was reaching

down to the shore, picking up something

and very gently throwing it into the ocean.

As he got closer he called out, “Good

morning! What are you doing?”

The young man paused, looked up and replied,

“Throwing starfish in the ocean.”

“I guess I should have asked, why are you throwing starfish in the ocean?”

“The sun is up and the tide is going out. And if I don’t throw them in they’ll die.”

“But, young man, don’t you realize that there are miles and miles of beach and starfish all along it. You can’t

possibly make a difference!”

The young man listened politely. Then bent down, picked up another starfish and threw it

into the ocean, past the breaking waves and said – “It made a difference for that one.”


Substance Matters

A house of cards

Built on air

Fine until

Some wind is there


Missed somehow

Foundation stone

It just stands

All alone


No mortar in

Each different layer

Just card on card

Missing matter


What happened here?

Attempts are failing

As one card

Begins sailing


Down they fall

All a’jumble

They all take

A final tumble

Stone is waiting

All in place

Ready to

Extend its grace


This time’s different

Again to build

Something sturdy

Each piece milled


Not to hurry

Mixing mortar

Cleaning spatters

Substance matters


That house of cards

Built on air

Was fine until

Some wind was there

Written by Esther Gay-Primel about ten years ago, found in my writing box J

Babies Don’t Keep

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow,

But children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.

So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!

I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.

~ Ruth Hulbert Hamilton


Babies don’t keep :”(
The same is true for adoptions. Do you know that there is never a good time to fill out the paperwork? There is never a good time to pay the money required for fees. There is never a good time to drive for hours/fly/stay out of state to gather a little one home. Just like there is never a good time to change a baby’s diaper, never a good time to clean up spilled juice…Never a good time…always something is out of place and just not quite ready…

And the babies that need you now, need you NOW… not when your life is perfect, your house is complete, you’re at the “right place” whatever that is…

The past month there have been three situations that pulled at me… But this one has popped back into my inbox four times.

First, from a consultant,

second from a facilitator…

then the facilitator again. She was going to present families at a certain time and it didn’t happen and they needed more families…

then the facilitator just let me know yesterday, the first match did not work out.

This special one will be born in March and they need a family for the baby to go to.


So, again the question is money. Why is it always money?  I had a young couple wanting general adoption information ask me, “Why is it so cheap to have an abortion, but so expensive to adopt?” hmmm… I did not have a good answer for her.

Anyway, we were told 17,000 and the question… “do you have the funds? If so, there is a family for every baby and we would love for it to be you.” Hmmm…

In the world of adoptions right now, this is actually a low cost adoption. But do we have the funds? NO… does God have the funds if he wants us to move forward? YES…

This baby is going to be born to a momma who is in prison. The markers for Down syndrome came back positive and the jail will do no further testing. So, we won’t know if the baby has a heart defect or any other anomaly associated with Down syndrome.

I talked to God and told him I needed clarity. So pray with us, and if God wishes it, the funds can be supplied, I have SEEN it!! The baby with DS that I posted a few weeks ago…the whole country got together and 1000 people donated 15 dollars… finished 🙂  So if you feel led, write me a note, if you feel led pray for wisdom and clarity. Thank you so much!!

Walk through this world



There are times I fade from view,

So there is less of ME

And more of YOU.

When You ask of me what I cannot do,

There is less of ME

And more of YOU

My wants and dreams Turn into YOU

There is less of ME

And more of YOU

The squeeze, the chute make me more TRUE

And less of ME

So there is more of YOU

Esther Gay-Primel


A Boy and His Jake

A Boy and His Jake

Fuzzy buddy, wobbly child

 round and round.

Tackle baby, lay on fur

 on the ground.

Walking now, outside how?

sneak together

Leaning on steady son,

 herding back

Plastered to, one and two,

laid out flat

Nose to nose

Eye to eye

Love to love

Ben and Jake

Esther Gay Primel 08/27/12

Ben and Jake…never far away.. See his Nose??


What’ll I Do?

What’ll I Do?

I know it is the title of a song that is about love lost, but I keep saying that to myself…

Legal status: Baby’s parental rights are still not terminated and will not be for another two months or so.

Medical status: fussy and miserable in the days. Constipated and switching formula. Hernias are looking better. Home health nurse came until yesterday…more on that later. Early intervention appointment is at the end of the month to test for delays. Not really much to test at this time as he is only two months old.

The rest of the story: The agency is applying for a medical card for Eli, collecting the medical information and all obtainable records.  This process must be completed before early intervention comes. They need: a social security number and a medical card…we have neither 🙂 Home health was coming. I had applied for the “special care” program for our medical insurance. Unbeknownst to me, they cover NO home health visits…so we have to pay for eight. The insurance was to be a conversion plan.  I was billed for $1187.00 for the interim period. Meanwhile, they sent me a card and “forgot” to process Eli and he is STILL pending. So the bills are mounting.

The Case workers meeting Eli!

As far as the lawyer goes, I paid the initial $600.00 for termination of parental rights, after which, I must pay another $600.00 until finalization; whereupon, we must pay the remainder of $700.00.   A total of $1900.00. Since our home study is only good for one year in PA,  and our adoption WILL NOT be finalized before August, we must pay for new clearances for everyone over sixteen, and pay for a home study update.

Thank you so much friends and family for supporting our journey with Eli. The first lawyer deposit was made with your donations!! Thank you so much for your prayers, your “good energy” and encouragement.  The national founder of the “safe haven” law and movement, Caren Peet, shared this poem with me, it is her motivating focus: (btw, join her page, she needs 5000 members by the end of the month 🙂

The Starfish

 An old man was walking down the beach just before dawn. In the distance he saw a young man picking up stranded starfish and throwing them back into the sea. As the old man approached the young man, he asked; “Why do you spend so much energy doing what seems to be a waste of time?” The young man explained that the stranded starfish would die if left in the morning sun. “But there must be thousands of beaches and millions of starfish, exclaimed the old man. “How can your efforts make any difference?” The young man looked down at the small starfish in his hand and as he threw it to safety in the sea, he said; “It makes a difference to this one!”

attributed to Loren Eisly
For our Adoption Fund:

The Divine Weaver

My life is but a weaving

Between my Lord and me;

I cannot choose the colors

He worketh steadily.


Ofttimes He weaveth sorrow

And I, in foolish pride,

Forget He seeth the upper

And I the underside.


Not till the loom is silent

And the shuttles cease to fly,

Shall God unroll the canvas

And explain the reason why.


The dark threads are as needful

In the Weaver’s skillful hand,

As the threads of gold and silver

In the pattern He has planned.


~ Author unknown

One of my favorite all time poems !!

Enoch 5/26/2007, 21 weeks gestation, miss you honey

I wrote this during one of my losses, a reflection on the above poem.

You Stopped

You stopped your hands

while you were weaving

The loom was left to stand


Still not believing,

I tried to understand.

I tried to grab the shottle

To force the needle through


Soon in endless silence

I dropped the needle too

I pulled my hands away

And felt time stand still


It started to unravel and

You took it off the loom

in Your cradled arms

Lifted the unopened bloom


Into your unseen places

To complete the work there


Now I sit in anguish

my busy loom now bare

The empty hole just gaping

Not even a string there


Waiting for the weaver

To begin work anew

Making a design

All want to eschew


lots of knots and tangles

as I thought things through


a perfect work of beauty

unbeknownst to me

so blinded by what I could

not what I could not see.

Esther Gay-Primel,

in honor of my five lost little ones, the last was gone in June 2010

Unrequited Love

Unrequited love

Have you ever had a one sided crush or love? I think we all have; laughing too loud, flirting too much, engaging them in any possible conversation; basically, doing anything for a light to glow in their eye.  The target will look a moment, then look away, never fully attracted to the girl, something holding them back.

Sometimes I feel like that with my son. One of our sons had the unfortunate experience of spending a year and a half in foster care. In care, he was not loved, he was left in his crib to cry, at least for almost one of those years. There is no doubt about it. The foster family was investigated by CYS and found to be guilty. The result of this thoughtless action was that my son felt deep inside him in a place he cannot explain, unworthy of love, inadequate in the most basic sense. He was also malnourished. Explain that to me will you? A child that had five homes before coming to stay with us. How does that effect a child who has known love since he was 18 months old, but little to none prior to that?

Attachment Disorder is the fancy name. My name is one sided love. Momma loves and the son questions deep inside…when will it stop? Can I trust it? I must depend only on myself, I am an island. And he turns around and Momma loves and he says maybe if I am very bad, maybe if I put up this wall she can’t reach me. And then, Momma loves and inside she hurts for her son who was a baby and never received comfort when he was alone, clean diapers when he was wet, food when he was hungry and ignored when he was scared.

When does it end I ask? When will his eyes light up FOREVER when he talks to me and not just for a brief moment. He loves Daddy, but Momma…you never know about the Momma…she’s the one who is there but doesn’t come

.The Broken Room
with permission from
the author

As she sits ever so quietly in the corner of the broken room…

When she catches a glimpse of the moonlight forming a warm glow around his
sleeping face…
she cries.

As she reaches out her hand unable to resist the urge to run her fingers
through the dark curls…
she smiles.

When the simple touch of her hand causes him to flinch and pull
she cries.

As she quietly moves herself back to the corner of the broken room,
sits ever so quietly…
watching him…
loving him…
and reminding
herself that tomorrow is another day.
Then she smiles.

Copyright © 2002 Suzanne Constant


Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and the widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world. James 1:27

Father to the fatherless, defender of widows — this is God, whose dwelling is holy. God places the lonely in families. Psalms 68:5-6

Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the cause of orphans. Fight for the rights of widows. Isaiah 1:17

And anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf is welcoming me. Matthew 18:5

I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me! Matthew 25:40

Long ago when we felt called to adopt for the first time…that would be almost 15 years ago now, we knew of ONE Christian family around our age that adopted before or were adopting or had a heart for adoption. We were really very alone in our calling to adopt. I will talk in the next blog about our calling and how it all happened, but for now, I am really excited that Christians are stepping up to the plate.

We went to an Operation Rescue protest about 17 years ago and we knew most Christians were pro-life, but when we spoke to them about adoption, it was almost a revulsion. They either had their two or three children, didn’t want any children, or had NO desire to raise someone else’s child. So, I wondered, how could you be pro-life yet not be willing to raise the baby? After all, the result of the pregnancy would be A LIFE!! But it got to the place it didn’t matter what EVERYONE else was doing, we had to do SOMETHING. There were little ones there who were crying and no one cared. I could HEAR them in my spirit.

God showed me this poem, my absolute favorite:

I am only one,

But still I am one.

I cannot do everything,

But still I can do something;

And because I cannot do everything

I will not refuse

to do the something

I can do.

Edward Everett Hale 1822-1909

Thank GOD in the past years since then…GOD has been stirring the hearts of many Christians. Their spirit can no longer ignore it, ” But his word was in mine heart as a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I was weary with forbearing, and I could not stay.” Jeremiah 20:9b.

It is a MOVEMENT praise God!!! I remember when we adopted the first time seeing the NEED and praying for God to move Christians to BELIEVE the word. That’s all they had to do, was believe and OBEY and the tide would turn. Children would have a Mommy and Daddy, just how God intended it. After all, don’t we believe that we are to save souls? How better then to bring them into our home and teach them about the God who loves them and made them? What a great opportunity. I am so excited to see it!!

If you have never really thought about adoption THINK about it, there is always a need, ALWAYS a need. If you have any questions ask, I will be very happy to answer them!! Sharing my HEART’S CALL. ❤

Missing You



My beloved Grammie 3/18/1917 - 7/24/2009

Enoch 5/26/2007, 21 weeks gestation, miss you honey

I was listening to my friends conversations this Christmas. As time moves on, I hear happiness and sadness all mixed up in the voices and tones of the season. I have so many memories of Christmas jumbled up in my brain. I would guess now about  a quarter of the dear ones  in my heart’s movie projector have gone on to see Jesus.  I celebrate the life, and mourn the loss all in one breath. I guess that’s why Christmas is full of joy and pain.


Ray’s Daughter Tressa (2/25/1981 – 12/31/1987)


   Ray's dad 1994, age 74

 Missing You

One to hold

One too old

Thanksgiving, Christmas

Insides are cold


Loss of family

At this time

Makes having fun

A tarnished dime


Heart’s not in it

Don’t really care

But faking wit

And table of fare


Pretending, smiling

Instead of frowning

Not quite covers

Grief undercover


 God in his goodness

Warms the hole

And brings back the wondrous

Memories of Yule

Esther Gay-Primel (2010)


And my other angels, Spring 1993, Summer 2002, Fall 2004,

and Summer 2010

Because He Lives.mp3    by Amanda Olsavsky and Ashton Burzio